Blog - TruPotential Group

Asking For Help

Jun 5, 2024 | Blog

Asking for help has never been comfortable or easy for me. Reflecting on how many times I took things on alone and how it impacted the way I showed up to my loved ones and as a leader at work, I physically scrunch my nose in disgust and shake my head. I missed countless opportunities to bring in people who wanted to help. I thought I was protecting them, saving them from more work, or not wanting to burden them with my issues. But that is not a giving person; that is a selfish, self-centered person.

People-pleasing and asking for help

People-pleasing tendencies aren’t about others; they’re about your own insecurities and your drive for that dopamine rush from pleasing others. The fear of not wanting people to dislike you or think you’re selfish is a lie I’ve been forced to face. It’s a journey full of twists, turns, and detours, but breaking these tendencies and becoming the best version of yourself is possible. Some relationships might be disrupted, and some people may not like the new you and call you selfish. Take this as an opportunity to uncover who you want by your side and who it might be time to distance yourself from. It becomes quickly apparent as you take accountability and change your people-pleasing ways.

I fell back into my natural tendency to people-please after my knee replacement. I thought asking for help or sharing what I was internally going through would upset people. I worried that my loved ones would think I was weak or selfish. YUGH! This was selfish—it wasn’t about them; it was about me! It was about the insecurity of not wanting to risk my reputation and credibility. I’m sharing my story because it might help even one other people-pleaser out there recognize that you don’t have to live life in the trap you created for yourself. You hold the key to swing the door open to freedom.

After going through a very low period post-knee replacement, which seems ridiculous, especially considering how many people I care about have cancer, ALS, and MS, I laid there in self-pity, feeling selfish and weak, and overall disgusted with my thoughts. Even though I had a network of people I could have called to talk through this, I didn’t. So, I ignored texts and calls, which made me feel worse. I didn’t want to burden them with how I really felt and didn’t have the energy to fake it. In my low state, I just ignored it, never thinking about how I would feel on the other end of the phone.

Then, looking in the mirror, I saw a hypocrite. I was exhibiting everything I coach others not to do. The imposter syndrome set in—who the hell did I think I was facilitating workshops, coaching, mentoring, and putting out content that I couldn’t even implement? It got to the point where the only choice was to ask for help. I was spiraling into self-destructive thoughts that started to scare me. Even though I know logically that asking for help shows strength and courage, I felt ashamed and weak. That’s when my dear friend and colleague, Tim Bender said, “You are experiencing the negative infinity loop.”

The negative infinity loop is a cycle where negative thoughts and behaviors reinforce each other, creating a downward spiral that’s hard to escape. For example, you might feel overwhelmed and anxious, leading to procrastination and avoidance, which in turn increases your anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed. It’s horrible.

How to get out of the negative infinity loop

Here are a few ideas to get out of the negative infinity loop:

Recognize and Name the Loop: Acknowledge that you are in a negative cycle. Naming it helps to distance yourself from the emotions and see it more objectively.

Reach Out for Support: Talk to someone you trust about what you’re going through. Sharing your thoughts can provide relief and new perspectives.

Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling and that you’re not alone.

Break Down Tasks: Divide overwhelming tasks into smaller, manageable steps. This can reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and make progress more attainable.

Challenge Negative Thoughts: Identify and challenge the negative thoughts that are fueling the loop. Ask yourself if they are based on facts and if there is another way to view the situation.

Engage in Positive Activities: Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel good. This can help shift your mood and interrupt the cycle of negativity.

Tim was emphatic and actively listened as I verbally worked through the clutter of thoughts that once made sense. With him by my side, smiling, nodding, and not judging, I started to realize this made no sense. He asked questions such as, “Why do you feel this way?” “How can I help?” and reminded me that no matter how strong we are, we all need a break sometimes. We all need help, and true strength is to ask. He said my feelings were normal, and that even though it wasn’t cancer, ALS, or MS, my body went through a major trauma, and it isn’t selfish or weak to be internally focused. It doesn’t take away the gratitude I have for my health, knowing many close to me don’t have that luxury. It doesn’t mean I am cowardly; it simply means to give myself a break and allow my body and mind to rest.

Tim and I had the good fortune to travel from Denver to Boston together last week. As soon as I saw Tim the evening before our flight, my body instantly relaxed. I audibly sighed and felt my shoulders drop. For the next two days, even with navigating the airport for the first time since my surgery and facilitating a communications workshop to senior executives with impressive resumes, I felt like me again. Energetic, happy, smiling at everyone I passed, and reacting with kindness and empathy. When a hotel employee treated me poorly, I knew her reaction wasn’t about me, and some kindness might just help her feel better, which might mean she treats the next person with kindness. This may be naive, but I truly believe this.

Tim exhibits this behavior constantly and has for the ten-plus years we’ve been friends. He continues to make me a better person, pushing me to grow as I watch him confidently navigate an entirely new career. He has helped me recognize that my natural tendency to people-please isn’t about other people. Not asking for help hurts those around you. It’s about progress, not perfection, and making mistakes is how we learn. But we must surround ourselves with people who provide challenging feedback when we fall back into unhealthy tendencies.

Who would be energized if you asked for their help?

One thing Tim told me that has made a huge impact was, “Think of what you want the outcome to be, how you must achieve the outcome, and who would be energized if you asked for their help to get to the outcome.” The piece I had been missing was “who would be energized to help.” The people-pleasing mindset was that asking for help is a burden. No, it isn’t a burden; it is self-centered when you dig deep. For all you people-pleasers, pause here and ask yourself why you don’t ask for help. Do you think no one can do it as well as you? That asking may look weak, that you don’t have the competency or skill to achieve it on your own? Maybe you think you don’t have time to delegate or ask for help, when in reality, you are prioritizing scrolling or Netflix. What lies have become truths in your mind?

With this new mindset, I feel empowered. Instead of worrying about how others will react if I say or do something, I focus on what I want to achieve, what I must do to get there, and who might be energized to help me. Thank you, Tim, for picking me back up and showing me that asking for help is a strength. People-pleasing isn’t about the other person; it’s a pattern of behavior that must be addressed by digging deep, uncovering the why behind this tendency, and surrounding yourself with people who elevate you. We cannot reach our True Potential alone.

Is Your Life on Autopilot? Time to Hit the Manual Override

May 31, 2024 | Leadership Development, Blog

As humans, it’s easy to operate on autopilot. Think about the last time you were driving and either arrived at your destination without remembering the journey or missed your exit entirely. This phenomenon, known as highway hypnosis, occurs when our conscious mind disengages while performing routine tasks.

We can do this in our careers, in our relationships, and in the way we spend our free-time. Staying on autopilot disconnects us from our authentic selves and true desires. We lose touch with our passions, relationships, and well-being, turning life into a series of routine actions devoid of joy and purpose. Over time, this can lead to burnout, stress, and deep dissatisfaction.

Recently, I heard the phrase, “You are not stressed because you are doing too much; you are stressed because you are doing too much of what doesn’t energize you.” Do you remember what energizes you? When was the last time you did what you love without feeling guilty about not doing something else? It’s challenging when we live life on autopilot.

In the past week, I learned of two people I knew who passed away too young—one from cancer and the other from addiction. Thinking about their families’ pain and their final thoughts forces me to consider how fragile our lives are. Time is short. Decades pass in the blink of an eye.

I aim to do better today than yesterday, maintaining a balance between drive and peace. How can we live the life we desire without losing ourselves to work or mindless scrolling that achieves nothing other than reinforcing our autopilot behaviors. Is it our tendency to please others, maintain harmony, or avoid conflict? It’s time to come off autopilot and live intentionally. I challenge myself to recognize negative thought patterns and question their validity. To wake up and get off autopilot!

Here are some tips that help me come off autopilot and reconnect with my true self, striving to be better each day and get off my autopilot which is showing up as more negative than I realized. Ouch, this recognition hurts!

Mindfulness: Be present in the moment. Notice your surroundings, thoughts, and feelings without judgment. Follow Ted Lasso’s advice: Be Curious Not Judgmental
Reflection: Regularly reflect on your actions and goals. Ensure they align with your values.
Set Intentions: Start your day with clear intentions. Focus on what you want to achieve.
Break Routine: Change your routine to avoid habitual patterns. Try new activities or routes.
Self-Care: Make time for activities that energize and rejuvenate you. Prioritize your well-being.
Gratitude: Focus on what you are grateful for. Shift from negative thoughts to positive, intentional thinking.
Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist. External support can help you stay grounded.
LAUGHTER: Seek out people and things that make you laugh. My go-to is stand-up comedy. I am putting it out there I AM going to sign up for an improv class this summer. Colorado friends, anyone want to join me?

We owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to live the life we desire. How did your autopilot show up today?

Teamwork Insights: Lessons from the Denver Nuggets

May 7, 2024 | Blog

A big shout-out to Nikola Jokić of the Denver Nuggets; this man absolutely fascinates me. There’s something about the way he behaves on and off the court that I deeply admire and respect. Watching him during interviews, I find myself completely engaged, absorbing every single word he says. Keep in mind, he speaks very few words, and that’s one of the things I respect so much about him as a player and a leader. I have become a basketball fan because of the Denver Nuggets. I admire how true Nikola is to himself in interviews. I love the way he looks at his little girl and wife in the stands. I respect the way he leads the team and pushes everyone around him to be better today than they were yesterday.

The Nuggets have pushed me to think about teamwork and what it really means. Watching Jamal Murray have a not-so-good game during the playoffs against the Lakers, yet the team depended on Jamal to make the buzzer-beater shot to win the game. Why? During the post-court interview, Jokić was asked why Jamal? given his bad game. Jokić tilted his head, looking confused or annoyed, and simply responded, “Trust,” and walked away. It was as if Jokić was saying, “Come on, have you not seen Jamal during clutch times? Of course we trusted him to make the game winning shot! TRUST!”

To me, teamwork is all about working together to achieve a common goal. It sounds easy enough, yet why are there so few highly functioning teams out there? According to a study by Stanford University, teams that work well together are 50% more productive. This statistic emphasizes that effective teamwork is directly linked to increased productivity. When team members collaborate efficiently, they can accomplish more tasks and projects in less time. From my experience, they also have a lot more fun doing it!

But what makes a great team? Why did the Nuggets turn to Jamal and trust he was their guy to make the game-winning shot? What are the key elements of great teams? But first why does it matter?

Why Teamwork Matters

In the fast-paced worlds of sports and business, being able to build and sustain a high-functioning team is incredibly valuable. Teams that build trust, show humility, handle conflict well, challenge each other to innovate, make decisions effectively, leave egos aside, and have fun, not only achieve more but also create a positive, lasting environment. This was exemplified during a crucial NBA playoff game when the Denver Nuggets trusted Jamal Murray to make a game-winning shot despite his earlier struggles. This decision wasn’t just about basketball—it was about the core principles that make any team great.

Key Elements of Great Teams

Trust: The cornerstone of any successful team fosters a culture where members feel secure enough to be vulnerable. This trust encourages team members to be their authentic selves, share openly, and support each other without fear of judgment.

Humility: Essential for learning and personal growth. It supports an environment where members can ask for help and acknowledge their mistakes, which are seen as opportunities for learning rather than points for criticism.

Navigating Conflict: Handling disagreements constructively is vital for maintaining healthy dynamics. Open communication in conflicts allows members to express differing views safely, which is crucial for mutual respect and understanding.

Innovation: Innovation flourishes in environments where all members feel safe to suggest unconventional ideas, no matter how “whacky” they may seem. This openness sparks creativity and leads to effective problem-solving.

Effective Decision Making: Involves integrating everyone’s perspectives and expertise swiftly to make well-rounded decisions. Emphasizing inclusivity and openness enhances decision quality and team cohesion.

Leaving the Super-Ego at the Door: Teams excel when individuals prioritize collective success over personal glory. This approach ensures that all members feel valued and integral to the team’s achievements.

Celebrating Failures: An essential part of a supportive team environment where failures are viewed as valuable learning moments. Celebrating these moments encourages continuous improvement and innovation.

Having Fun: Teams that enjoy their activities tend to be more motivated and successful. Enjoyment in the workplace fosters a positive atmosphere where members feel comfortable and encouraged to be their best selves.

Resources to Build Your Team

Patrick Lencioni’s The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: Explore Lencioni’s extensive work on team management and leadership for strategies that enhance team performance and engagement. His approach helps teams identify and overcome dysfunctions, creating a cohesive and effective unit.

Simon Sinek’s Trusting Teams Video : Favorite part of this one is about feeling safe enough to be yourself!

Coach K’s Leading with the Heart: His insights are invaluable for anyone looking to build resilient and successful teams in sports or any other field.

Understanding and implementing these principles is crucial for anyone aiming to use the power of teamwork to achieve exceptional results. Whether in sports, business, or any collaborative effort, the essence of a great team remains the same—unity in diversity and strength in collaboration. No matter what happens during this playoff season I will celebrate the Nuggets and continue to learn from what I consider one of the greatest teams to ever hit the court.

Are People Excited to See You?

May 6, 2024 | Blog

Imagine yourself walking into social gatherings – happy hours, get togethers, barbecues and road trips – are people excited to see you? When you come through the door and see people you know, how do they greet you? Do they offer big smiles, loud welcomes, and huge hugs? Or do they make eye contact, give a quick nod and turn back to their conversations?

While this doesn’t always say something about you, you take stock and start paying attention to it. This can be an indicator of how much value you add to your network, your company, your social circles. There should be rooms and places where you show up where it’s obvious that you are well-received. When people are excited to see you and greet you with enthusiasm, you can know that you’ve added value to their lives and they want more!

What Do People Do When They Hear Your Name?

Think about it this way. You talk about other people all the time. When a colleague’s name comes up, there’s a reaction from you and other people. What you and others initially think and feel speaks about their reputation.

Likewise, you have a reputation out there. When people think about you or talk about you, are they thinking positively about you? Are they endorsing you with others? When they receive an email or a text from you, are they excited to see your name and eager to respond?

The wonderful way that business and relationships work is that nobody has to deal with you.

If you are difficult, unethical, selfish, greedy, or narcissistic, you may get a shot at mistreating or mishandling initial interactions; however, people self-correct and simply avoid you.

However, if you are pleasant, caring, helpful, valuable and fun, then the world opens up.

Always ask yourself whether people are excited to see you.

You may not be able to change the world and how it works, but you can work on yourself and be a person of immense value. You can be someone who is a gift that people love to receive. Your presence and your company can be total delight.

Be a Person of Value

Here are a few tips if you want to be welcomed, invited back and considered a person of value:

Bring gifts
Send encouraging texts
Introduce people that can help each other
Learn and share ideas that help
Make people laugh
Help clean up
Be a gentleman/lady with impeccable manners. Always.
Show loyalty
Jump in and be a friend in a crisis
Keep your word.

You have to care about others and be eager. They will be eager to speak highly of you as well as want to see you at their next events.

Extroverts Need Quiet Time

Apr 30, 2024 | Blog, Leadership Development

As an extrovert, I’ve always thrived in high-energy social interactions. However, recent changes in my life allowed me to have more alone time than ever. During these periods of solitude, I discovered tranquility and a deeper self-awareness, leading to the realization that true confidence often originates from within, not from external validation.

Here are some things that have helped me embrace the power of introversion:

The Power of Structured Quiet Time

Integrating structured quiet time into my routine was challenging at first. Starting with meditation and solo walks helped me adjust to the silence. I take walks at various times in the day. Each time offers different benefits – either to start/end my day with reflection or to break away from the stress of the workday.

This practice enhanced my intuition and brought calmness, transforming how I interact with the world. I became more reflective, less reactive, and less dependent on digital devices.

Benefits of Quiet Time for Extraverts

Quiet time can benefit extroverts by improving decision-making and enhancing creativity. It allows us to connect with our inner selves. Instead of looking around for consensus, affirmation, or applause, I have learned to trust my own thought process and conviction. The extra time and space allows the ideas to flow from within, and I’m amazed at the creative energy that flows!

Here are some other benefits I’ve noticed from blocking off more quiet time:

Heightened Intuition: Silence has sharpened my inner voice, aiding my decision-making to align more closely with my values.

Calmness and Deliberation: I’ve learned to pause before speaking, improving my interactions, and deepening my relationships.

Reduced Digital Distraction: Limiting screen time has freed up hours for growth and real connections.

Integrating Quiet Confidence in Social Settings

In social settings, I now prioritize quality over quantity. This selectiveness improves my interactions and allows me to be fully present. The ideas formed in solitude bring depth to my contributions in group discussions.

Quiet time is invaluable, even for extroverts. Embracing solitude has revealed a new dimension of my personality and a more introspective way of living. For extroverts curious about the quieter aspects of their character, consider integrating structured quiet time into your routine—it might just unlock a deeper level of understanding and confidence.

The Art of Listening: The Key to Connection

Apr 19, 2024 | Blog, Leadership Development, Non Verbal Communication

Over the years, I’ve come to recognize that active listening is a critical skill that significantly impacts my well-being and success. It’s not innate, though. It’s a skill that develops with consistent practice. I’ve also realized it’s not just about the act of listening, but more about the ability to prioritize my time and recognize what’s most important in my life at any given moment.

When we fail to prioritize and say yes to everything, nothing truly stands out as a priority. Our minds become cluttered, making it nearly impossible to practice active listening effectively. Where do you focus your time and energy? In a culture obsessed with multitasking—a practice that diminishes our focus—we often shift our attention from one task to another, never fully engaging with any.

So, I encourage you to pause for a moment before moving on:

Do you know what your priorities are?
Are you spending your time and energy in the right place to get the results that you want to get out of life?
Have you learned and have the courage and the ability to say no?

Until we prioritize and manage our time effectively, active listening may continue to be a challenge and a barrier to forming meaningful connections.

Understanding the Power of Active Listening

Active listening is more than just hearing words; it’s about connecting – about truly understanding what’s being shared. It involves a conscious decision to empathize and respond appropriately. This skill is important in maintaining relationships as well as in nurturing them to grow stronger. It can minimize misunderstandings and deepen connections with others.

Active listening is crucial for effective communication, retention, and satisfaction in the workplace. Surprisingly, research shows that 41% of employees have left a job because they felt they were not being heard.

The Importance of Being Heard

I always appreciate it when someone gives me their attention, their eye contact, and their empathy. I feel respected and valued. I appreciate it when I know my ideas are heard, my feedback acknowledged, or my suggestions implemented. It builds rapport and encourages me to stay engaged and committed to the relationship, project, or goal.

I try to remember that when I am listening to others so I can show them the same respect.

The Health Benefits of Social Connections

Social connection is a vital aspect of “lifestyle medicine.” Our connections can significantly impact our health, influencing everything from body mass index and blood sugar control to cancer survival rates and mental health. When we feel connected to people in our workplace, home, and community, we are generally happier and do not feel alone.

Practical Tips for Charismatic Listening from Vanessa VanEdwards:

For those of you who know me, you know I am a big fan of Vanessa VanEdwards and Science of People. Here are some incredible tips from her for active listening.

Charisma isn’t just about being a great talker; it often involves being a great listener. Here are some practical tips to enhance your listening skills and, by extension, your charisma:

Nod and Show You Understand: A simple nod can communicate agreement and encouragement. Use the “slow triple nod” during conversations to show engagement, especially at emotional points to reaffirm your conversation partner’s feelings.
Be an Emotional Highlighter: React appropriately to the emotions expressed by others. Showing empathy through your facial expressions and responses makes people feel understood and valued.
Lean In: Physically leaning in shows interest and engagement. This can be particularly effective in one-on-one interactions or small groups, making the speaker feel like the center of attention.
Maintain Appropriate Eye Contact: Eye contact enhances how attentive you seem. Aim for maintaining eye contact about 70% of the time during conversations to strike the right balance.
Use Touch Appropriately: Small gestures like a handshake or a pat on the back can strengthen connections and show full engagement. Ensure that your physical touches are appropriate for the relationship and situation.
Utilize Nonverbal Cues: Nonverbal cues like microexpressions, eyebrow flashes, and head tilts can communicate interest and openness. These small gestures can convey a lot about your attentiveness.
Create Space: Making physical and emotional space for someone to express themselves is vital. This could mean setting aside your phone or turning your body to face the speaker fully.
Listening on the Phone: When you’re on a phone call, emphasize verbal indicators of listening since visual cues aren’t visible. Use affirmative sounds and repeat key points to show understanding and engagement.

The Impact of Listening

By becoming a better listener, you can improve both your personal and professional relationships. Listening leads to learning and helps develop empathy and understanding. Always aim to listen with the intent to understand, not just to reply.

Action Steps for Improvement

Practice making eye contact in the mirror. Talk to yourself. Yes, I know it may feel silly, but see what you look like when you are talking to someone else, and seek to make genuine eye contact.
Record yourself to hear how facial expressions can change the tone of your voice.
Be mindful of your body language during conversations.

Listening is a skill that can transform how you interact with the world. By practicing these tips, you can become a more effective communicator, enriching both your personal connections and professional opportunities.

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