Asking for help has never been comfortable or easy for me. Reflecting on how many times I took things on alone and how it impacted the way I showed up to my loved ones and as a leader at work, I physically scrunch my nose in disgust and shake my head. I missed countless opportunities to bring in people who wanted to help. I thought I was protecting them, saving them from more work, or not wanting to burden them with my issues. But that is not a giving person; that is a selfish, self-centered person.
People-pleasing and asking for help
People-pleasing tendencies aren’t about others; they’re about your own insecurities and your drive for that dopamine rush from pleasing others. The fear of not wanting people to dislike you or think you’re selfish is a lie I’ve been forced to face. It’s a journey full of twists, turns, and detours, but breaking these tendencies and becoming the best version of yourself is possible. Some relationships might be disrupted, and some people may not like the new you and call you selfish. Take this as an opportunity to uncover who you want by your side and who it might be time to distance yourself from. It becomes quickly apparent as you take accountability and change your people-pleasing ways.
I fell back into my natural tendency to people-please after my knee replacement. I thought asking for help or sharing what I was internally going through would upset people. I worried that my loved ones would think I was weak or selfish. YUGH! This was selfish—it wasn’t about them; it was about me! It was about the insecurity of not wanting to risk my reputation and credibility. I’m sharing my story because it might help even one other people-pleaser out there recognize that you don’t have to live life in the trap you created for yourself. You hold the key to swing the door open to freedom.
After going through a very low period post-knee replacement, which seems ridiculous, especially considering how many people I care about have cancer, ALS, and MS, I laid there in self-pity, feeling selfish and weak, and overall disgusted with my thoughts. Even though I had a network of people I could have called to talk through this, I didn’t. So, I ignored texts and calls, which made me feel worse. I didn’t want to burden them with how I really felt and didn’t have the energy to fake it. In my low state, I just ignored it, never thinking about how I would feel on the other end of the phone.
Then, looking in the mirror, I saw a hypocrite. I was exhibiting everything I coach others not to do. The imposter syndrome set in—who the hell did I think I was facilitating workshops, coaching, mentoring, and putting out content that I couldn’t even implement? It got to the point where the only choice was to ask for help. I was spiraling into self-destructive thoughts that started to scare me. Even though I know logically that asking for help shows strength and courage, I felt ashamed and weak. That’s when my dear friend and colleague, Tim Bender said, “You are experiencing the negative infinity loop.”
The negative infinity loop is a cycle where negative thoughts and behaviors reinforce each other, creating a downward spiral that’s hard to escape. For example, you might feel overwhelmed and anxious, leading to procrastination and avoidance, which in turn increases your anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed. It’s horrible.
How to get out of the negative infinity loop
Here are a few ideas to get out of the negative infinity loop:
Recognize and Name the Loop: Acknowledge that you are in a negative cycle. Naming it helps to distance yourself from the emotions and see it more objectively.
Reach Out for Support: Talk to someone you trust about what you’re going through. Sharing your thoughts can provide relief and new perspectives.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling and that you’re not alone.
Break Down Tasks: Divide overwhelming tasks into smaller, manageable steps. This can reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and make progress more attainable.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Identify and challenge the negative thoughts that are fueling the loop. Ask yourself if they are based on facts and if there is another way to view the situation.
Engage in Positive Activities: Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel good. This can help shift your mood and interrupt the cycle of negativity.
Tim was emphatic and actively listened as I verbally worked through the clutter of thoughts that once made sense. With him by my side, smiling, nodding, and not judging, I started to realize this made no sense. He asked questions such as, “Why do you feel this way?” “How can I help?” and reminded me that no matter how strong we are, we all need a break sometimes. We all need help, and true strength is to ask. He said my feelings were normal, and that even though it wasn’t cancer, ALS, or MS, my body went through a major trauma, and it isn’t selfish or weak to be internally focused. It doesn’t take away the gratitude I have for my health, knowing many close to me don’t have that luxury. It doesn’t mean I am cowardly; it simply means to give myself a break and allow my body and mind to rest.
Tim and I had the good fortune to travel from Denver to Boston together last week. As soon as I saw Tim the evening before our flight, my body instantly relaxed. I audibly sighed and felt my shoulders drop. For the next two days, even with navigating the airport for the first time since my surgery and facilitating a communications workshop to senior executives with impressive resumes, I felt like me again. Energetic, happy, smiling at everyone I passed, and reacting with kindness and empathy. When a hotel employee treated me poorly, I knew her reaction wasn’t about me, and some kindness might just help her feel better, which might mean she treats the next person with kindness. This may be naive, but I truly believe this.
Tim exhibits this behavior constantly and has for the ten-plus years we’ve been friends. He continues to make me a better person, pushing me to grow as I watch him confidently navigate an entirely new career. He has helped me recognize that my natural tendency to people-please isn’t about other people. Not asking for help hurts those around you. It’s about progress, not perfection, and making mistakes is how we learn. But we must surround ourselves with people who provide challenging feedback when we fall back into unhealthy tendencies.
Who would be energized if you asked for their help?
One thing Tim told me that has made a huge impact was, “Think of what you want the outcome to be, how you must achieve the outcome, and who would be energized if you asked for their help to get to the outcome.” The piece I had been missing was “who would be energized to help.” The people-pleasing mindset was that asking for help is a burden. No, it isn’t a burden; it is self-centered when you dig deep. For all you people-pleasers, pause here and ask yourself why you don’t ask for help. Do you think no one can do it as well as you? That asking may look weak, that you don’t have the competency or skill to achieve it on your own? Maybe you think you don’t have time to delegate or ask for help, when in reality, you are prioritizing scrolling or Netflix. What lies have become truths in your mind?
With this new mindset, I feel empowered. Instead of worrying about how others will react if I say or do something, I focus on what I want to achieve, what I must do to get there, and who might be energized to help me. Thank you, Tim, for picking me back up and showing me that asking for help is a strength. People-pleasing isn’t about the other person; it’s a pattern of behavior that must be addressed by digging deep, uncovering the why behind this tendency, and surrounding yourself with people who elevate you. We cannot reach our True Potential alone.
